Finally, after 17 months of going through the court system, my daughter, Keeley Rose Cutshall, will soon be coming home to spend time with daddy.
It has been a long time since I had consistent visitation with my daughter, and it hasn't been easy. Any father who says otherwise, has either lost the ability to feel and love or has ingested way too much drugs. I have missed her smile, and the cute way she talks. I've missed the way she plays with Savannah, and warms up to Danette. We have missed the presence of Keeley, and welcome the changes that are soon to come.
Nothing could have prepared me for this absence of my daughter, much of which I might have to one day take responsibility, but the journey has been painful and one I will make sure to never make again. I love my daughter more than anything, and the days ahead I will make the most of, and try to make it up to her. I promise, baby girl, nothing shall ever take me away from your call and need to see your daddy. I am here now, and will never leave again.
I am Sean Cutshall, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
ON THE BRINK OF SOMETHING SPECIAL.....WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER?
Some things in life desire the presence of those we love. No matter the event, it's that presence of love and people that brings possibilities and hope to otherwise lifeless events.
With 14 months now gone from the relationship my daughter and I would have had, everything inside me still craves the stare of my beautiful 3 year old daughter. Living over 300 miles from me, the cycle of emotions have been extreme, and nothing seems to happen just right in her absence.
I know, some will say what I'm experiencing is normal, and to be expected in a otherwise common practice of parental split-ups, but I will confirm to me, the feelings of me, involve only me, and can only be described by me, or by someone else thinking they know me. I am not experiencing anything that is normal, or ever should be normal. God does not place a craving for a specific soul to be close, to protect without question that soul you intuitively crave, and then expect you to be fulfilled without their presence. I feel my daughter reach out for me, and I see her lips fall and the dimpled frown grow, as she realizes and remembers, I am no longer there. I close my eyes and feel her tears. I know and recognize the sound of her questions, about daddy, nobody will answer.
I have had events to cheer, events that brought tears, but never have the experiences seemed complete in their cheer or devastation because my daughter is not their to witness the power that comes from these tragic or accomplished events. The power of hope that comes from adding 'people' and 'love' to these things.
I feel the tide building inside, and the power that might soon be released. And, like a bottle of wine or champagne I stifle it, sometimes even sabotage it, maybe in hopes the circumstances of my daughter and
myself will soon change.
Keeley Rose Cutshall came into my life as a baby, but she is a piece of me everybody calls perfect. And, that is something I could have never done myself.I hold on to hope as if she is here, and together we will bring our lives closer together. This is Sean Cutshall, and I am Destiny Daddy.
With 14 months now gone from the relationship my daughter and I would have had, everything inside me still craves the stare of my beautiful 3 year old daughter. Living over 300 miles from me, the cycle of emotions have been extreme, and nothing seems to happen just right in her absence.
I know, some will say what I'm experiencing is normal, and to be expected in a otherwise common practice of parental split-ups, but I will confirm to me, the feelings of me, involve only me, and can only be described by me, or by someone else thinking they know me. I am not experiencing anything that is normal, or ever should be normal. God does not place a craving for a specific soul to be close, to protect without question that soul you intuitively crave, and then expect you to be fulfilled without their presence. I feel my daughter reach out for me, and I see her lips fall and the dimpled frown grow, as she realizes and remembers, I am no longer there. I close my eyes and feel her tears. I know and recognize the sound of her questions, about daddy, nobody will answer.
I have had events to cheer, events that brought tears, but never have the experiences seemed complete in their cheer or devastation because my daughter is not their to witness the power that comes from these tragic or accomplished events. The power of hope that comes from adding 'people' and 'love' to these things.
I feel the tide building inside, and the power that might soon be released. And, like a bottle of wine or champagne I stifle it, sometimes even sabotage it, maybe in hopes the circumstances of my daughter and
myself will soon change.
Keeley Rose Cutshall came into my life as a baby, but she is a piece of me everybody calls perfect. And, that is something I could have never done myself.I hold on to hope as if she is here, and together we will bring our lives closer together. This is Sean Cutshall, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Father-daughter relationship suffers when daughter's mom decides to move
By Sean Cutshall
Even as a father, nothing in life always goes as planned.
When the mother of my three year old daughter moved, almost 8-months ago, I thought my role as a father was over. I thought I was losing my influence, my right to
mold and teach. Little did I know then, my influence would never be taken from me- but how I adapt to the changes, will influence how effective I am, how much love and strength I give her, and, ultimately, how long I hurt for the situation my daughter and I have no control over.
In all honesty, I fight feelings of bitterness and anger towards the mother, even God, for the loss of my daughter's daily presence in my life. This is not how I imagined my becoming a daddy for the first time would be, but I know the sooner I accept and grow into this situation, the more comfortable I might become.
From one parent to another, one dad to another, I'm embarrassed to say, I'm not there yet. I still want to be with her when she wakes up, eats breakfast, goes to the park or falls asleep. I fight accepting the move that happened many months ago, but one message I want my daughter to get is...I will!
I will be here for you, and be wherever you need me to be, whenever you need me to be. I will be here because I love you, and I need you too.
I am Sean, a father and forever destiny daddy!
Even as a father, nothing in life always goes as planned.
When the mother of my three year old daughter moved, almost 8-months ago, I thought my role as a father was over. I thought I was losing my influence, my right to
mold and teach. Little did I know then, my influence would never be taken from me- but how I adapt to the changes, will influence how effective I am, how much love and strength I give her, and, ultimately, how long I hurt for the situation my daughter and I have no control over.
In all honesty, I fight feelings of bitterness and anger towards the mother, even God, for the loss of my daughter's daily presence in my life. This is not how I imagined my becoming a daddy for the first time would be, but I know the sooner I accept and grow into this situation, the more comfortable I might become.
From one parent to another, one dad to another, I'm embarrassed to say, I'm not there yet. I still want to be with her when she wakes up, eats breakfast, goes to the park or falls asleep. I fight accepting the move that happened many months ago, but one message I want my daughter to get is...I will!
I will be here for you, and be wherever you need me to be, whenever you need me to be. I will be here because I love you, and I need you too.
I am Sean, a father and forever destiny daddy!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
THANKSGIVING...NOT JUST TURKEY AND DALLAS COWBOYS ANYMORE
A thankful dad embraces hope for today and tomorrow
Let's be honest, the Thanksgiving will always include turkey and Cowboys, but today there is more meaning to this special day. There is gratitude and thankfulness to be shared. For some, and I'd bet even some dads, this gratefulness still gets lost in the full stomach of the day. But for me, a dad who is thankful for the family he has at home, and the daughter who lives some miles away, no amount of forgetfulness can be allowed.
There were days, not so long ago, I had neither of these things, and only hoped for the chance to one be called the name I'd always wanted.....dad. And, to some people, this name only represents a label, a risky loss to a risky action. God willing, I pray this name never become a label but a way of life. And, a legacy nobody can deny. Being a father is something I've always wanted, and while the situations surrounding me and my duty of fatherhood never quite develop the way I had envisioned, the absolute fact of my life today is as meaningful as anything I could have hoped.
I have embraced being a step father, and would change not a single day of its' lessons and rewards. Yet, I have to think it's not fully complete, as my daughter Keeley grows another day older on the other side of the state. As her mother and I continue to go to court for an established parenting plan, I miss her smile everyday, and our family miss her place at our table.
I fight back bitterness and tears as my only contact on this Thanksgiving Day is by phone, but in the end, I thank God for the opportunity I have at home to be a father, to make a difference; and for the opportunity to continue to hope and pray for a more meaningful, consistent interaction with my daughter Keeley.
Today is special. I am thankful and grateful to be more today than I've ever been. I'm a better son, grateful husband and a thankful and grateful father. I am challenged today to not be a title by default, but a dad by a blessing. I am Sean Cutshall, and I am Destiny Daddy.
By Sean Cutshall
Thanksgiving Day has always been about eating turkey, seeing family and watching the Dallas Cowboys, but that was before I became a dad.Let's be honest, the Thanksgiving will always include turkey and Cowboys, but today there is more meaning to this special day. There is gratitude and thankfulness to be shared. For some, and I'd bet even some dads, this gratefulness still gets lost in the full stomach of the day. But for me, a dad who is thankful for the family he has at home, and the daughter who lives some miles away, no amount of forgetfulness can be allowed.
There were days, not so long ago, I had neither of these things, and only hoped for the chance to one be called the name I'd always wanted.....dad. And, to some people, this name only represents a label, a risky loss to a risky action. God willing, I pray this name never become a label but a way of life. And, a legacy nobody can deny. Being a father is something I've always wanted, and while the situations surrounding me and my duty of fatherhood never quite develop the way I had envisioned, the absolute fact of my life today is as meaningful as anything I could have hoped.
I have embraced being a step father, and would change not a single day of its' lessons and rewards. Yet, I have to think it's not fully complete, as my daughter Keeley grows another day older on the other side of the state. As her mother and I continue to go to court for an established parenting plan, I miss her smile everyday, and our family miss her place at our table.
I fight back bitterness and tears as my only contact on this Thanksgiving Day is by phone, but in the end, I thank God for the opportunity I have at home to be a father, to make a difference; and for the opportunity to continue to hope and pray for a more meaningful, consistent interaction with my daughter Keeley.
Today is special. I am thankful and grateful to be more today than I've ever been. I'm a better son, grateful husband and a thankful and grateful father. I am challenged today to not be a title by default, but a dad by a blessing. I am Sean Cutshall, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A dad's holiday wish
By Sean Cutshall
Forget a new pair of white and blue Nike AirMax, or the new, inexpensive touch screen tablets, the only thing this dad wants for Christmas is to see, touch and talk to my daughter.
Still in the midst of establishing a parenting plan, visits with my daughter do not come often. And I, regrettably have not made the most of the chances I have had to spend time with my daughter. My daughter lives four hours away, and as a dad, there is no excuse for my not seeing her more. It is not easy, nor is it something I can just jump in a car and do; but I must make this a bigger priority in the next couple months.
For all you dads who have the ability to touch and hold your child every day, never let a day go by where you don't make the most of that blessing. It's an opportunity, and gift, not every parent gets to experience.I am growing as a person, dealing with this absence of child in my everyday life, but my growth as a parent can only go so far. I miss the everyday connection, and the monumental memories that can only be created by contact and face-to-face communication. A phone call means more than an updated between my daughter and me, it is a connection instrument that leaves me near tears every time.
While this Thanksgiving I will bow my head and thank my God for the beautiful gift of my daughter Keeley, and the gift of being a father to Tyler and Savannah, I will have only one real wish for Christmas. I want and hope for the best gift of all, to see, touch and hold my daughter. And, if I'm with my daughter while wearing my white and blue Nike AirMax, while playing on my new, inexpensive, touch-screen tablet, then even better.
Forget a new pair of white and blue Nike AirMax, or the new, inexpensive touch screen tablets, the only thing this dad wants for Christmas is to see, touch and talk to my daughter.
Still in the midst of establishing a parenting plan, visits with my daughter do not come often. And I, regrettably have not made the most of the chances I have had to spend time with my daughter. My daughter lives four hours away, and as a dad, there is no excuse for my not seeing her more. It is not easy, nor is it something I can just jump in a car and do; but I must make this a bigger priority in the next couple months.
For all you dads who have the ability to touch and hold your child every day, never let a day go by where you don't make the most of that blessing. It's an opportunity, and gift, not every parent gets to experience.I am growing as a person, dealing with this absence of child in my everyday life, but my growth as a parent can only go so far. I miss the everyday connection, and the monumental memories that can only be created by contact and face-to-face communication. A phone call means more than an updated between my daughter and me, it is a connection instrument that leaves me near tears every time.
I love my daughter, and I refuse to settle into this role of distant fatherhood. Those around me still say, "It is what it is." But I'm not OK with that, nor would it sit well with me if a year from now I'm still depending on Thomas Edison's invention to fuel my relationship with my daughter. She deserves more, and I deserve the gift of fathering her on more personal basis.
While this Thanksgiving I will bow my head and thank my God for the beautiful gift of my daughter Keeley, and the gift of being a father to Tyler and Savannah, I will have only one real wish for Christmas. I want and hope for the best gift of all, to see, touch and hold my daughter. And, if I'm with my daughter while wearing my white and blue Nike AirMax, while playing on my new, inexpensive, touch-screen tablet, then even better.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Some regrets only get bigger
By Sean Cutshall
There is nothing soothing about realizing or acknowledging your regrets in life, and as a dad trying to find his role in parenthood, some regrets only get bigger.Being a dad is nothing like what I thought it would be, yet it's every bit the exact thing I hoped it would be. To the normal person, I can see how this might be a confusing statement. Heck, even writing it, I wondered the sanity. So, let me explain. I had hopes becoming a dad would answer all life's questions and misunderstandings. I thought this miraculous birth of life would cure my shortcomings, and my failures would be granted a reprieve. None of which has proven to be a true. My daughter's beautiful smile, and innocent laughter didn't equate to a clear voice of direction in my life.
Although the heavens didn't open up and give me all that I had been lacking prior to the birth of my daughter, it did give me something I can never lose. It gave me hope, and hard-fast reason to be more each and every day I'm alive. Being a dad doesn't let you fast forward through all the pain and incentives of growth, but it gives you a real live meaning in life.
I used to think being a dad would be all I'd ever need in life, but I've realized, being a father makes being successful at everything else even more important and gratifying.
My daughter doesn't see or feel the struggle I'm going through trying to find my role as a good dad yet, but one day soon she will look in my eyes and see a man who fought hard to to be the dad she needs. As a step dad to two beautiful kids now, I understand the importance and urgency in my arrival at this place. Children are truly a product of the words and actions of their parents. As a dad who is proud to have such a huge responsibility, I wonder how much I've affected these outcomes by missed time or misplaced words.
Today, I am grateful for the chance to mold a life, and love a soul. I expect nothing but the hope that continues to fuel me, and the knowledge that everything I do will play a part in my future, and the future of my children. I've given up on creating that life everyone will be proud of, or stand up and celebrate. Don't confuse this as me giving up on me, or the value of my life. Today, I understand something even bigger than me. It' s my Legacy. And, while I may feel my voice of fatherhood may get lost at times, the impact of everything I'm doing is my legacy. So, while my regrets may grow bigger, so does the impact of my growth.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
WHO NEEDS WHO
Some holes, only a child can fill
By Sean Cutshall
Nothing is the same, and the volume of life echoes in a whispered slur without her close. My daughter has been, without a better or more fair explanation, been taken from me.
In a move that has taken her across the state, her absence has left a shell of a father, and an angry man trying to find a higher road to coast. I am following the suggested direction of the court to secure my future time with my daughter, but this is no consolation to the pure pain of her absence.
I am not a father who seeks to have a visit here and there to preserve society's current expectations of fathers, who no longer are in relationships with the mothers. Simply, I am a father who wants to be a father. You can call me different, or not the norm, but when did a father's yearning to be a dad become such a rarity, even a challenged thought by so many.
I believe in my heart that God made motherhood and fatherhood to be equal-when the accepted responsibility of this is equally understood and gratitude for it is not taken for granted.
I want to teach, love, console, and grow with my daughter, just like my daughter's mother. I am not less, nor is my life's experiences less valuable in nurturing the little girl God gave me. I have given nothing in my life more precedence or priority than fatherhood. Whether it is the beautiful experiences and opportunities I have being a step-father to two beautiful children, or the absolute heart warming, life changing experience of bringing my beloved daughter into the world, it's important for those close to me to know, this is not a desire that will pass or go way. I am fighting for the only right thing, 100 percent perfect thing I've ever been graciously given in my life.....fatherhood. Again, I am simply a father who wants to be a father. I am destiny daddy.
By Sean Cutshall
Nothing is the same, and the volume of life echoes in a whispered slur without her close. My daughter has been, without a better or more fair explanation, been taken from me.
In a move that has taken her across the state, her absence has left a shell of a father, and an angry man trying to find a higher road to coast. I am following the suggested direction of the court to secure my future time with my daughter, but this is no consolation to the pure pain of her absence.
I am not a father who seeks to have a visit here and there to preserve society's current expectations of fathers, who no longer are in relationships with the mothers. Simply, I am a father who wants to be a father. You can call me different, or not the norm, but when did a father's yearning to be a dad become such a rarity, even a challenged thought by so many.
I believe in my heart that God made motherhood and fatherhood to be equal-when the accepted responsibility of this is equally understood and gratitude for it is not taken for granted.
I want to teach, love, console, and grow with my daughter, just like my daughter's mother. I am not less, nor is my life's experiences less valuable in nurturing the little girl God gave me. I have given nothing in my life more precedence or priority than fatherhood. Whether it is the beautiful experiences and opportunities I have being a step-father to two beautiful children, or the absolute heart warming, life changing experience of bringing my beloved daughter into the world, it's important for those close to me to know, this is not a desire that will pass or go way. I am fighting for the only right thing, 100 percent perfect thing I've ever been graciously given in my life.....fatherhood. Again, I am simply a father who wants to be a father. I am destiny daddy.
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