Some regrets only get bigger

By Sean Cutshall

There is nothing soothing about realizing or acknowledging your regrets in life, and as a dad trying to find his role in parenthood, some regrets only get bigger.

Being a dad is nothing like what I thought it would be, yet it's every bit the exact thing I hoped it would be. To the normal person, I can see how this might be a confusing statement. Heck, even writing it, I wondered the sanity. So, let me explain. I had hopes becoming a dad would answer all life's questions and misunderstandings. I thought this miraculous birth of life would cure my shortcomings, and my failures would be granted a reprieve. None of which has proven to be a true. My daughter's beautiful smile, and innocent laughter didn't equate to a clear voice of direction in my life.

Although the heavens didn't open up and give me all that I had been lacking prior to the birth of my daughter, it did give me something I can never lose. It gave me hope, and hard-fast reason to be more each and every day I'm alive. Being a dad doesn't let you fast forward through all the pain and incentives of growth, but it gives you a real live meaning in life.

I used to think being a dad would be all I'd ever need in life, but I've realized, being a father makes being successful at everything else even more important and gratifying.

My daughter doesn't see or feel the struggle I'm going through trying to find my role as a good dad yet, but one day soon she will look in my eyes and see a man who fought hard to to be the dad she needs. As a step dad to two beautiful kids now, I understand the importance and urgency in my arrival at this place. Children are truly a product of the words and actions of their parents. As a dad who is proud to have such a huge responsibility, I wonder how much I've affected these outcomes by missed time or misplaced words.

Today, I am grateful for the chance to mold a life, and love a soul. I expect nothing but the hope that continues to fuel me, and the knowledge that everything I do will play a part in my future, and the future of my children. I've given up on creating that life everyone will be proud of, or stand up and celebrate. Don't confuse this as me giving up on me, or the value of my life. Today, I understand something even bigger than me. It' s my Legacy. And, while I may feel my voice of fatherhood may get lost at times, the impact of everything I'm doing is my legacy. So, while my regrets may grow bigger, so does the impact of my growth.