Apologies heard loud and clear

Apologies heard loud and clear
by Sean Cutshall

Whether it is unsaid or vocalized, I have a apology to make clear. Due to my own fault, and the result of mistakes I have made in my past, I had to leave the side of my daughter and go away for a time. Nothing could have been more painful for a new father like myself, but one only I can understand it's value now.

I am home now, and although I no longer have the home or family I did when I left, I am still a father. The mother of my daughter, and I no longer are a couple, but we still share the perfection of our daughter. Each day I am able to spend with my daughter is special and ones I cherish with all my heart. There were many days over the past year I wondered where I would fit into her life, or if she would remember me, but that has all since be discarded. I see the need in her eyes for her father, and the memory she has for me. I feel the bond again between her and I, and relish the moments that become frozen in my mind everytime we are together. What she doesn't probably realize or recognize is the need in my eyes for my daughter. She is every bit the reason for the hope in my life.

Yeah, I'd life to just forget the past year, but I don't. I hold on to it for it's pain, and for the lesson's I've learned. I never want to be away from my daughter again, and no matter the distance she is away from me at any one moment, our hearts are together again. This bond is something special, and I will treat carefully, as I now know how fragile it can be.

I love you Keeley Rose Cutshall, and without you even saying, I know you are glad daddy is home. I am thankful, grateful and glad to have a chance to be dad again. I am Destiny Daddy, and I'm glad to be home.

First day of childcare

First day of childcare
by Sean Cutshall

Today, I dropped off more than my 8-month old daughter at her first day of childcare, I dropped off a piece of me. Forgotten, are the events in life, up till now, I considered to be tough or emotional. Today, as I shut the door, and walked away from my daughter and her new childcare provider, I felt a tug at my heart I'd never felt.

Yes, I know, maybe a little dramatic, but "NO", not really. I remember distinctively the emotional free-fall from broken hearts, broken egos and the home-sick nausea from my first days away at college, but there was a moment today that compared equally to all these heartaches, but in no way could I say was the same. For me, and I understand my background and journey may have influence on my desire to capture and feel every moment in it's intensity, it was a feeling of heartache I am completely, profoundly grateful to experience.

I dropped my daughter with the intention to make it a short-lived day for her on her first day, but truth be told, the short-lived day was more for my inability to hold myself back from racing back to save her. I walked in the door, sat down on the floor, and watched how my daughter saw me. She captured my eyes, and in an instant gave me the proudest day of my life. She raced, via the army-crawl, to my lap. And while I may have dropped of my daughter and a piece of me that morning, I picked up a new personal strength, a personal pride and found every reason I could ever need to continue my journey I've started. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.

Future summer to come

Future summers to come
by Sean Cutshall

I know my daughter is only seven months old now, but I feel the change in weather, and it sparks an excitement for future summers to come with my daughter and family.

I'm from Texas, and, although some may think this automatically makes me a cowboy, camper and redneck, I'm sorry to say, you are mistaken. I could be no more a city-boy than Billy Crystal in the movie city slickers. I feel the warmer weather, and it makes me wonder just what type of summers are in store for my daughter and our family.

As a child, my summers involved travelling from city to city, playing soccer games. While some kids might have found this boring, I could have picked no better place to spend my three month vacation from school. I wonder if my daughter might follow in my footsteps, and, just maybe, become the next Native American Mia Hamm. I, of course, would have no problem with this achievement, and believe it to a real genuine possibility, but, regardless of where her interest falls, I think I'd be better a father to start preparing for the summers ahead.

I know it's early to do any real planning, but thinking of such things couldn't hurt. I realize now, after years of wishing I had better saved memories of the things I did with my summers, I am making a real effort to archive all time spent together with my daughter, whether summer or not. This is something I feel strongly about, and believe today's computer applications and programs, make it easier for us parents to document and archive every memorable moment.

Seven months ago, I might have been able to tell you, I'd be playing golf, watching movies, garage sale shopping or, truth be told, incarcerated, but today, I am a living, breathing shadow to my daughter, and my activities mirror the interests of my beautiful daughter. She may become Mia Hamm, Miranda Lambert, Sarah Palin or Martha Stewart, but it doesn't matter. Like mine growing up, her future summers will be fun, and will breed hope and dreams, I pray, in the spirit of my daughter. I plan to give her the best a grateful heart can give her. I am her father, and, I am destiny daddy.

In our babies we trust

In our babies we trust
by Sean Cutshall

I have a theory growing inside my head, and it is continuing to build momentum with each day I spend with my six month old daughter. I believe some of the answers to life's most basic questions and problems can be found by simply watching the actions of our young children, specifically those in the first couple years of their life.

Don't misunderstand my background or qualifications here, this is a theory, and one built upon some time spent in one of my favorite sports, extreme mental daydreaming. I'm a first time parent here, but I've made some relatively monumental realizations in the last six months. You can say it's just conicidence, but I see the tools to understanding trying to crawl right in front of me. Is it possible that before we, as humans, were influenced, taught or forced to think or judge certain things a certain way, we were more capable of living fully, without all the questions and unknown answers in our lives.

Even at six months old, my daughter taught me lessons I never would have imagined. She is beyond being "duped" by motives or actions not fitting into her basic survival needs. I, as her father, can try to convince her to be happy and awake, because it is what I feel is best for that moment, due to schedule or awareness of surroundings, but my daughter cannot or will not fake the feeling for any outside motivation. I watch her closely, some times for hours, and she is more in tune with her basic survival needs, and unwilling to hinder any of those needs by stepping outside that response. If I as an adult could only be so rigid.

As an adult, I feel so much time is wasted in the stress of life, and life's unknowns. Is it possible, my life was never suppossed to stretch outside the responses to my basic survival needs. And if it did, again, is it possible there is a simple and prevoked response innate in me for that subject. My daughter shows me daily if she is hungry, and distracting her with shiny doll, shiny miniature car, with shiny, bright wheels doesn't change her focus and determination to be fed. And, even in my relatively short time as a father, I can gurantee if my daughter is tired, she is not seeking a hot liquid, composed of ground up beans, to help her current state of being tired. She is tired, and only one response will match that current, basic need: sleep.

I know life is not this simple and concrete, and that as we grow older, we are given more stimuli and more complex things to deal with on a daily basis. But, I disagree that life can't sometimes be this simple, and that some of life's answers and motivation can be found by looking at how we lived very early on in our own life. If you are opening a bright colored cookie wrapper, my daughter doesn't care your color, your weight or your background. Her interest, curiosity is just the same.

I am grateful for the chance to be a father. I cherish today, and live today through the eyes of my daughter. Initially scared of how I would teach her to live a life I haven't quite successfully lived myself, today, I realize more and more she is the perfect teacher, and living life is what she already knows how to do. As a parent, I'm beginning to see my job more clearly. It is not to teach her to live, it is to shield her from all the negaive influences that will distract her from living the way she instinctively knows already. I am a father, and I will do anything to protect the understanding of life she already has. I am

Better late than never

Better late than never
By Sean Cutshall

Research shows that fatherhood becomes more risky the older a male, especially once he nears the age of 40. Despite all the research that indicates a male does have a genetically healthier sperm under the age of 40, most tests conclude all this goes out the window once the baby arrives, and is healthy.

I won't allow you the satisfaction of knowing my exact age, but I will say I paid particularly close attention to this study. While I'm not in my 40's, neither am I in the early stages of mature adulthood, otherwise known as the 20's. Also, I was even more satisfied to open the window to this study, as my daughter came into this world healthy. I am blessed with a child, who only at the age of five-months, does not have any signs of autism, schizophrenia, dwarfism or abnormalities. While I call this a blessing, I feel my daughter would have been a blessing no matter the package she was delivered to me. She is heart-warming, everyday reminder of the beautiful ever-present power of God, and His personal way of saying my life still, and always has, been as important part of a greater purpose for me and those around me.

Honestly, I can't help but think of how my age may one day affect the way I raise my daughter, but I refuse to look at it as a negative. Being a father is something I've always wanted since early on in my life, even as I finished high school. I knew fatherhood would be a gift. Who knows why it never happened for me early on in my life, but I submerge myself in all the positive things about being a father at this later stage in my life.

I believe, at my age, I can participate more in the day to day raising of my daughter. I see myself more patient, more mature and able to nurture better at this age, rather than a earlier time in my life. With me personally, I have had to experience some things in my life, and it has defined me as a person. Ultimately, I believe it will be this strength, independence, sensitivity for people and their struggles, and gratefulness for the here and now that I want to instill in my daughter.

A University of California, San Diego, study suggest that parents today are more involved on a daily basis in the raising of their children, but that the natural-developmental approach is not as common. For me, my experiences has helped to appreciate both these thoughts. I am a father, and I will be involved, help her to avoid some of the potholes I fell in, but I will also try to father by encouraging her to step out and being an individual, capable of being warm and aware of the simplistic beauty in the ever-changing moments of our lives. I believe that this awareness can be just as beneficial to the outcome of her life as all the planning and preparation some might suggest as being the most important part of child raising.

No longer young, and starting fatherhood later than the average American male, I look forward to being this new role in my life. And, while some may argue it's strength, I refuse to give any power to the opposite. My daughter will be strong because I've had more to years to overcome. My daughter will be an influential person in her world because I have finally, after many years of banging my head on the street, become teachable to these years of experiences. My daughter will be grateful for the real evidence of life and beauty around her because, after so many years of seeing both good and evil, I have a real appreciation for those things that inspire. Like no other time in my life, I can look outside myself and see the beauty in me. And, it's this beauty, appreciation and gratefulness that will enable me to be greatest daddy possible for my baby girl.

My Daughter, My Reprieve

As long as I draw breath, I will never forget October 22, 2009, nor will every single day that follows be easily forgotten. I am a felon, college graduate, former newspaper reporter, a recovering and one-day cured addict and most importantly, now a father. I choose to be none of those things anymore. I choose to be Sean, a man, who my five-month old daugter will one day soon pronounce as "daddy.

Even to this day, I can't explain the reasons why my life seemed to jump from promising future to chaos and confinement, but the misfiring or lack of real connection to personal understanding opened up the day my daughter was born, and I realize my future holds a new set of expectations and possibilities. It no longer is so important to connect the dots of my life in a systematic way for people to understand anymore, it only matters that my daughter and family don't see me as these scrambled dots, but as a father.

I'm undressing from these labels, obstacles, limitations and putting on a new outlook. Yes, I have done things I regret, been confined in places I wish to never return, broken the hearts of family and friends I could never repair, but I've been given a reprieve. It came in a small little package, that I'm thankful I was never allowed to open till five months ago. My reprieve come with some specific instructions. The fine print said only this, in the future you must do things you can't wait to admit, be confined to places and people you could never do without and love those family and fiends who never let go.

That small, little package is my daughter, my reprieve.