First day of childcare

First day of childcare
by Sean Cutshall

Today, I dropped off more than my 8-month old daughter at her first day of childcare, I dropped off a piece of me. Forgotten, are the events in life, up till now, I considered to be tough or emotional. Today, as I shut the door, and walked away from my daughter and her new childcare provider, I felt a tug at my heart I'd never felt.

Yes, I know, maybe a little dramatic, but "NO", not really. I remember distinctively the emotional free-fall from broken hearts, broken egos and the home-sick nausea from my first days away at college, but there was a moment today that compared equally to all these heartaches, but in no way could I say was the same. For me, and I understand my background and journey may have influence on my desire to capture and feel every moment in it's intensity, it was a feeling of heartache I am completely, profoundly grateful to experience.

I dropped my daughter with the intention to make it a short-lived day for her on her first day, but truth be told, the short-lived day was more for my inability to hold myself back from racing back to save her. I walked in the door, sat down on the floor, and watched how my daughter saw me. She captured my eyes, and in an instant gave me the proudest day of my life. She raced, via the army-crawl, to my lap. And while I may have dropped of my daughter and a piece of me that morning, I picked up a new personal strength, a personal pride and found every reason I could ever need to continue my journey I've started. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.

Future summer to come

Future summers to come
by Sean Cutshall

I know my daughter is only seven months old now, but I feel the change in weather, and it sparks an excitement for future summers to come with my daughter and family.

I'm from Texas, and, although some may think this automatically makes me a cowboy, camper and redneck, I'm sorry to say, you are mistaken. I could be no more a city-boy than Billy Crystal in the movie city slickers. I feel the warmer weather, and it makes me wonder just what type of summers are in store for my daughter and our family.

As a child, my summers involved travelling from city to city, playing soccer games. While some kids might have found this boring, I could have picked no better place to spend my three month vacation from school. I wonder if my daughter might follow in my footsteps, and, just maybe, become the next Native American Mia Hamm. I, of course, would have no problem with this achievement, and believe it to a real genuine possibility, but, regardless of where her interest falls, I think I'd be better a father to start preparing for the summers ahead.

I know it's early to do any real planning, but thinking of such things couldn't hurt. I realize now, after years of wishing I had better saved memories of the things I did with my summers, I am making a real effort to archive all time spent together with my daughter, whether summer or not. This is something I feel strongly about, and believe today's computer applications and programs, make it easier for us parents to document and archive every memorable moment.

Seven months ago, I might have been able to tell you, I'd be playing golf, watching movies, garage sale shopping or, truth be told, incarcerated, but today, I am a living, breathing shadow to my daughter, and my activities mirror the interests of my beautiful daughter. She may become Mia Hamm, Miranda Lambert, Sarah Palin or Martha Stewart, but it doesn't matter. Like mine growing up, her future summers will be fun, and will breed hope and dreams, I pray, in the spirit of my daughter. I plan to give her the best a grateful heart can give her. I am her father, and, I am destiny daddy.

Growing, growing, gone

Growing, growing, gone
by Sean Cutshall

Only six months ago, I held my daughter in my hands, and wondered how something so small could have such a instant and dramatic affect on my heart. Barely able to open her eyes, I knew she could see me, and, without a doubt, I knew she could feel me as her daddy. Argue if you want, but it's a lost cause, my daughter had been calling for me for the last nine months.

I think time began to tick, at that very moment, in a unusually faster way. Despite the reality of my life, and careful not skip the monumental effect of each tick, time began to move fast. Mommy, wasn't it just yesterday our baby girl smiled for the first time? No one could have prepared me for the adjustment in time, I now must become accustomed, but preparation was never something I asked for anyways, not that I would have gotten it. I'd prefer to just experience each new day with the same appreciation I had the first day my daughter came into this world. I think this way I can be sure to never miss the beauty of being a father.

My daughter is growing, and it is beautiful to watch and participate in this aging process, but don't confuse this and think I want to hurry the process. I know there will come a day, where my daughter will start kindergarten, go to middle school and high school, go on her first date, go to her prom, drive a car for the first time, but I am not thinking of these things. This daddy waited a long time for fatherhood, and it would take a act of congress, to get me to admit I want any stage of this growing process to move any faster than it is already.

My daughter may be growing, but if you ask me just how much and how fast, I'll only say she weighs the same, looks the same and has aged none since this time yesterday. I won't be pushing to mark her growth on the nearest wall or asking her to say more than what she is, already, desperately wanting to say, but can't quite pronounce it yet. I hear her trying to say the word "daddy", but I keep this knowledge to myself, knowing there is special moment and time for her first word to come. She may be growing, but for me, I drowned myself in the here and now. I am here, this is now, and I am destiny daddy.