THANKSGIVING...NOT JUST TURKEY AND DALLAS COWBOYS ANYMORE

A thankful dad embraces hope for today and tomorrow

By Sean Cutshall

Thanksgiving Day has always been about eating turkey, seeing family and watching the Dallas Cowboys, but that was before I became a dad.

Let's be honest, the Thanksgiving will always include turkey and Cowboys, but today there is more meaning to this special day. There is gratitude and thankfulness to be shared. For some, and I'd bet even some dads, this gratefulness still gets lost in the full stomach of the day. But for me, a dad who is thankful for the family he has at home, and the daughter who lives some miles away, no amount of forgetfulness can be allowed.

There were days, not so long ago, I had neither of these things, and only hoped for the chance to one be called the name I'd always wanted.....dad. And, to some people, this name only represents a label, a risky loss to a risky action. God willing, I pray this name never become a label but a way of life. And, a legacy nobody can deny. Being a father is something I've always wanted, and while the situations surrounding me and my duty of fatherhood never quite develop the way I had envisioned, the absolute fact of my life today is as meaningful as anything I could have hoped.

I have embraced being a step father, and would change not a single day of its' lessons and rewards. Yet, I have to think it's not fully complete, as my daughter Keeley grows another day older on the other side of the state. As her mother and I continue to go to court for an established parenting plan, I miss her smile everyday, and our family miss her place at our table.

I fight back bitterness and tears as my only contact on this Thanksgiving Day is by phone, but in the end, I thank God for the opportunity I have at home to be a father, to make a difference; and for the opportunity to continue to hope and pray for a more meaningful, consistent interaction with my daughter Keeley.

Today is special. I am thankful and grateful to be more today than I've ever been. I'm a better son, grateful husband and a thankful and grateful father. I am challenged today to not be a title by default, but a dad by a blessing. I am Sean Cutshall, and I am Destiny Daddy.

A dad's holiday wish

By Sean Cutshall

Forget a new pair of white and blue Nike AirMax, or the new, inexpensive touch screen tablets, the only thing this dad wants for Christmas is to see, touch and talk to my daughter.

Still in the midst of establishing a parenting plan, visits with my daughter do not come often. And I, regrettably have not made the most of the chances I have had to spend time with my daughter. My daughter lives four hours away, and as a dad, there is no excuse for my not seeing her more. It is not easy, nor is it something I can just jump in a car and do; but I must make this a bigger priority in the next couple months.

For all you dads who have the ability to touch and hold your child every day, never let a day go by where you don't make the most of that blessing. It's an opportunity, and gift, not every parent gets to experience.I am growing as a person,  dealing with this absence of child in my everyday life, but my growth as a parent can only go so far. I miss the everyday connection, and the monumental memories that can only be created by contact and face-to-face communication. A phone call means more than an updated between my daughter and me, it is a connection instrument that leaves me near tears every time.

I love my daughter, and I refuse to settle into this role of distant fatherhood. Those around me still say, "It is what it is." But I'm not OK with that, nor would it sit well with me if a year from now I'm still depending on Thomas Edison's invention to fuel my relationship with my daughter. She deserves more, and I deserve the gift of fathering her on more personal basis. 

While this Thanksgiving I will bow my head and thank my God for the beautiful gift of my daughter Keeley, and the gift of being a father to Tyler and Savannah, I will have only one real wish for Christmas. I want and hope for the best gift of all, to see, touch and hold my daughter. And, if I'm with my daughter while wearing my white and blue Nike AirMax, while playing on my new, inexpensive, touch-screen tablet, then even better.

Some regrets only get bigger

By Sean Cutshall

There is nothing soothing about realizing or acknowledging your regrets in life, and as a dad trying to find his role in parenthood, some regrets only get bigger.

Being a dad is nothing like what I thought it would be, yet it's every bit the exact thing I hoped it would be. To the normal person, I can see how this might be a confusing statement. Heck, even writing it, I wondered the sanity. So, let me explain. I had hopes becoming a dad would answer all life's questions and misunderstandings. I thought this miraculous birth of life would cure my shortcomings, and my failures would be granted a reprieve. None of which has proven to be a true. My daughter's beautiful smile, and innocent laughter didn't equate to a clear voice of direction in my life.

Although the heavens didn't open up and give me all that I had been lacking prior to the birth of my daughter, it did give me something I can never lose. It gave me hope, and hard-fast reason to be more each and every day I'm alive. Being a dad doesn't let you fast forward through all the pain and incentives of growth, but it gives you a real live meaning in life.

I used to think being a dad would be all I'd ever need in life, but I've realized, being a father makes being successful at everything else even more important and gratifying.

My daughter doesn't see or feel the struggle I'm going through trying to find my role as a good dad yet, but one day soon she will look in my eyes and see a man who fought hard to to be the dad she needs. As a step dad to two beautiful kids now, I understand the importance and urgency in my arrival at this place. Children are truly a product of the words and actions of their parents. As a dad who is proud to have such a huge responsibility, I wonder how much I've affected these outcomes by missed time or misplaced words.

Today, I am grateful for the chance to mold a life, and love a soul. I expect nothing but the hope that continues to fuel me, and the knowledge that everything I do will play a part in my future, and the future of my children. I've given up on creating that life everyone will be proud of, or stand up and celebrate. Don't confuse this as me giving up on me, or the value of my life. Today, I understand something even bigger than me. It' s my Legacy. And, while I may feel my voice of fatherhood may get lost at times, the impact of everything I'm doing is my legacy. So, while my regrets may grow bigger, so does the impact of my growth.

WHO NEEDS WHO

Some holes, only a child can fill 

By Sean Cutshall 

Nothing is the same, and the volume of life echoes in a whispered slur without her close.  My daughter has been, without a better or more fair explanation, been taken from me.

In a move that has taken her across the state, her absence has left a shell of a father, and an angry man trying to find a higher road to coast. I am following the suggested direction of the court to secure my future time with my daughter, but this is no consolation to the pure pain of her absence.

I am not a father who seeks to have a visit here and there to preserve society's current expectations of fathers, who no longer are in relationships with the mothers. Simply, I am a father who wants to be a father. You can call me different, or not the norm, but when did a father's yearning to be a dad become such a rarity, even a challenged thought by so many.

I believe in my heart that God made motherhood and fatherhood to be equal-when the accepted responsibility of this is equally understood and gratitude for it is not taken for granted.

I want to teach, love, console, and grow with my daughter, just like my daughter's mother. I am not less, nor is my life's experiences less valuable in nurturing the little girl God gave me. I have given nothing in my life more precedence or priority than fatherhood. Whether it is the beautiful experiences and opportunities I have being a step-father to two beautiful children, or the absolute heart warming, life changing experience of bringing my beloved daughter into the world,  it's important for those close to me to know, this is not a desire that will pass or go way. I am fighting for the only right thing, 100 percent perfect thing I've ever been graciously given in my life.....fatherhood. Again, I am simply a father who wants to be a father. I am destiny daddy.

Parenting plan perils

PARENTING PLAN PERILS
A right worth fighting for

By Sean Cutshall

I've learned "nothing is as it seems", and that rings true in fatherhood.

 I'm a month into the filing of a parenting plan, and wonder if the dust will ever settle and it be about the life-changing love aInd relationship I have with my daughter.

Yes, promises were made and broken between the mother and me, but I refuse to accept a lesser role in my daughter's life, even if distance is the face being put on the newest problem I'm having getting alone time with my daughter.

 I feel as if I am preparing for a rigid negotiations with the mother,as to where, when and how I will see and raise my daughter in the coming years. Forgive me if I never feel completely comfortable negotiating time with my daughter.

Over the next few months, this may become even more uncomfortable as the courts determine who has the best plan of residential schedule, in regards to my daughter Keeley. One thing is for sure, no matter how uncomfortable the negotiations become, count me in as a player at this table. My daughter is worth me suiting up, and playing for keeps.

Apologies heard loud and clear

Apologies heard loud and clear
by Sean Cutshall

Whether it is unsaid or vocalized, I have a apology to make clear. Due to my own fault, and the result of mistakes I have made in my past, I had to leave the side of my daughter and go away for a time. Nothing could have been more painful for a new father like myself, but one only I can understand it's value now.

I am home now, and although I no longer have the home or family I did when I left, I am still a father. The mother of my daughter, and I no longer are a couple, but we still share the perfection of our daughter. Each day I am able to spend with my daughter is special and ones I cherish with all my heart. There were many days over the past year I wondered where I would fit into her life, or if she would remember me, but that has all since be discarded. I see the need in her eyes for her father, and the memory she has for me. I feel the bond again between her and I, and relish the moments that become frozen in my mind everytime we are together. What she doesn't probably realize or recognize is the need in my eyes for my daughter. She is every bit the reason for the hope in my life.

Yeah, I'd life to just forget the past year, but I don't. I hold on to it for it's pain, and for the lesson's I've learned. I never want to be away from my daughter again, and no matter the distance she is away from me at any one moment, our hearts are together again. This bond is something special, and I will treat carefully, as I now know how fragile it can be.

I love you Keeley Rose Cutshall, and without you even saying, I know you are glad daddy is home. I am thankful, grateful and glad to have a chance to be dad again. I am Destiny Daddy, and I'm glad to be home.

First day of childcare

First day of childcare
by Sean Cutshall

Today, I dropped off more than my 8-month old daughter at her first day of childcare, I dropped off a piece of me. Forgotten, are the events in life, up till now, I considered to be tough or emotional. Today, as I shut the door, and walked away from my daughter and her new childcare provider, I felt a tug at my heart I'd never felt.

Yes, I know, maybe a little dramatic, but "NO", not really. I remember distinctively the emotional free-fall from broken hearts, broken egos and the home-sick nausea from my first days away at college, but there was a moment today that compared equally to all these heartaches, but in no way could I say was the same. For me, and I understand my background and journey may have influence on my desire to capture and feel every moment in it's intensity, it was a feeling of heartache I am completely, profoundly grateful to experience.

I dropped my daughter with the intention to make it a short-lived day for her on her first day, but truth be told, the short-lived day was more for my inability to hold myself back from racing back to save her. I walked in the door, sat down on the floor, and watched how my daughter saw me. She captured my eyes, and in an instant gave me the proudest day of my life. She raced, via the army-crawl, to my lap. And while I may have dropped of my daughter and a piece of me that morning, I picked up a new personal strength, a personal pride and found every reason I could ever need to continue my journey I've started. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.