Growing, growing, gone
by Sean Cutshall
Only six months ago, I held my daughter in my hands, and wondered how something so small could have such a instant and dramatic affect on my heart. Barely able to open her eyes, I knew she could see me, and, without a doubt, I knew she could feel me as her daddy. Argue if you want, but it's a lost cause, my daughter had been calling for me for the last nine months.
I think time began to tick, at that very moment, in a unusually faster way. Despite the reality of my life, and careful not skip the monumental effect of each tick, time began to move fast. Mommy, wasn't it just yesterday our baby girl smiled for the first time? No one could have prepared me for the adjustment in time, I now must become accustomed, but preparation was never something I asked for anyways, not that I would have gotten it. I'd prefer to just experience each new day with the same appreciation I had the first day my daughter came into this world. I think this way I can be sure to never miss the beauty of being a father.
My daughter is growing, and it is beautiful to watch and participate in this aging process, but don't confuse this and think I want to hurry the process. I know there will come a day, where my daughter will start kindergarten, go to middle school and high school, go on her first date, go to her prom, drive a car for the first time, but I am not thinking of these things. This daddy waited a long time for fatherhood, and it would take a act of congress, to get me to admit I want any stage of this growing process to move any faster than it is already.
My daughter may be growing, but if you ask me just how much and how fast, I'll only say she weighs the same, looks the same and has aged none since this time yesterday. I won't be pushing to mark her growth on the nearest wall or asking her to say more than what she is, already, desperately wanting to say, but can't quite pronounce it yet. I hear her trying to say the word "daddy", but I keep this knowledge to myself, knowing there is special moment and time for her first word to come. She may be growing, but for me, I drowned myself in the here and now. I am here, this is now, and I am destiny daddy.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Daddy's new friends
Daddy's new friends
by Sean Cutshall
Today, I saw a glimpse of the future. In my head, I saw pictures of me, not hanging out with friends I once saw irreplaceable, but with new people. The one thing these new people had in common was the big, blinding sign on their forehead that read, "I am a parent!".
I can't believe the transformation happenning in me, and I promise, it wasn't always this way. There was a time, when I could see myself forever running the basketball court, juggling a soccer ball and going, with friends, to all the things normal people do, at least, those who do not have the obligations of parenthood. This is changing.
I fear the very, near future, where I become boring to those people I call my friends. Going to hit golf balls, or filling a day with garage sale shopping, thrift store visiting or just having a drink at a local bar or restaurant, may soon be things of the past, or things that must be scheduled weeks in advance. I don't know how I will handle this full transformation, but, I do know, it is on the horizon. Already, I see myself sitting with other parents at a park or soccer field, not testing out the new set of golf clubs I just bought, but participating in the group chant, "anything your kid can do, mine can do better!".
Change is here, and I realize the new set of guidelines I'm a part of now. It's change I can handle, and something I been around a lot over my lifetime. Let's be honest, I have been on an identity crisis roller-coaster for the last fifteen years, having gone from a collegiate soccer player and journalism student to a person addicted to methamphetamines, and, ultimately, a resident of the state department of corrections. Prison is not where anyone saw me fifteen years ago, including myself, and it was not the ideal place to prepare for parenthood. But, I grew up, regardless of how late, and for what reason, I grew up. One thing, I refuse to ignore, is the pure strength I have gained from my experiences. And, while my roller coaster was scary, lonely and unpredictable at times, it has stopped and let out a man, a daddy.
Visualizations of my future shows something different, and those people around me are different too. They, also, are parents, or, at least, respect me as a parent. Many adults spend a lifetime trying to revert back to the days of pre-parenthood, but there is a select few of us who view this adaption away from their youth and their life experiences as a good thing, even a miracle. I welcome the change in friends, activities and expectations. And, while many will spend countless dollars and hours trying to nurture the "old" self, so to one day get that person back, I will wake up today, take a deep breath, and be grateful for the transformation of self. Many will see these people in my life as all being fathers, but I prefer to acknowledge them as daddy's new friends. I won't ever ignore where I was, and who I was around, but I am a father now. I am destiny daddy, and I'll never try to be anything else again.
by Sean Cutshall
Today, I saw a glimpse of the future. In my head, I saw pictures of me, not hanging out with friends I once saw irreplaceable, but with new people. The one thing these new people had in common was the big, blinding sign on their forehead that read, "I am a parent!".
I can't believe the transformation happenning in me, and I promise, it wasn't always this way. There was a time, when I could see myself forever running the basketball court, juggling a soccer ball and going, with friends, to all the things normal people do, at least, those who do not have the obligations of parenthood. This is changing.
I fear the very, near future, where I become boring to those people I call my friends. Going to hit golf balls, or filling a day with garage sale shopping, thrift store visiting or just having a drink at a local bar or restaurant, may soon be things of the past, or things that must be scheduled weeks in advance. I don't know how I will handle this full transformation, but, I do know, it is on the horizon. Already, I see myself sitting with other parents at a park or soccer field, not testing out the new set of golf clubs I just bought, but participating in the group chant, "anything your kid can do, mine can do better!".
Change is here, and I realize the new set of guidelines I'm a part of now. It's change I can handle, and something I been around a lot over my lifetime. Let's be honest, I have been on an identity crisis roller-coaster for the last fifteen years, having gone from a collegiate soccer player and journalism student to a person addicted to methamphetamines, and, ultimately, a resident of the state department of corrections. Prison is not where anyone saw me fifteen years ago, including myself, and it was not the ideal place to prepare for parenthood. But, I grew up, regardless of how late, and for what reason, I grew up. One thing, I refuse to ignore, is the pure strength I have gained from my experiences. And, while my roller coaster was scary, lonely and unpredictable at times, it has stopped and let out a man, a daddy.
Visualizations of my future shows something different, and those people around me are different too. They, also, are parents, or, at least, respect me as a parent. Many adults spend a lifetime trying to revert back to the days of pre-parenthood, but there is a select few of us who view this adaption away from their youth and their life experiences as a good thing, even a miracle. I welcome the change in friends, activities and expectations. And, while many will spend countless dollars and hours trying to nurture the "old" self, so to one day get that person back, I will wake up today, take a deep breath, and be grateful for the transformation of self. Many will see these people in my life as all being fathers, but I prefer to acknowledge them as daddy's new friends. I won't ever ignore where I was, and who I was around, but I am a father now. I am destiny daddy, and I'll never try to be anything else again.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Fatherhood, a living legacy
Fatherhood, a living legacy
by Sean Cutshall
Maturity is not automatic, and neither is fatherhood. As a child, I was raised by a man I knew as "dad", despite a lack of true genetic disposition. Marrying my mother, and calling me son, was all I thought was required as prerequisits on the fatherhood application. But, I also thought grape juice was actually called "more", until the age of five or six, so understanding fully the role that this man had taken on early in my life was relatively short in true experience.
This "dad" raised me, loved me, believed in me, and, while, I never knew it at the time, he was providing me with a core set of ideas regarding fatherhood that I see coming out today. This man, my dad, later in life committed suicide, but I believe strongly in the idea, that is what he did, not who he was. To me, and my brothers, he was not a man struggling with his love for us, or willingness to do anything for us; nor, was he man, who secretly dealt with issues inside totally unrelated to his love for us. He was Dad. Fatherhood was not what he did, but who he was. Today, I remember him. With love and appreciation, I cherish him. With a cradling arm to my younger brother, and a outstretched hand to my older brother, we celebrate him. These tears of memory are necessary and reasonable, as they solidify and extend the legacy of fatherhood that started many years ago, and, today, begins to breathe and live on in my new purpose.
I learned that fatherhood is who you are, not what you are, a long time ago. This will remain with me, as I build upon this legacy with my first and beautiful daughter. It, also, is a reminder to me to be open, and welcoming, to another father in my life. While this man, was not the one who raised me early on, he is a man God chose to be my biological father, and, a man, I know can and will have a dramatic impact on my life in the future and on the legacy I believe I will one day leave behind. If fatherhood is truly who you are, not what you are, then it is a role that can encompass many years, or lifetimes, and one able to include more than just one person or experience.
Holding my daughter today gives me a sense of belonging, and purpose I've never felt before. It takes all the lessons and inspiration from my childhood, my dad, my brothers; and, it brings them into a tunnel vision of perspective. I am a great "daddy" because of the dad I had, because of the dad he still is to me and my brothers, and because of who he was, who he is, and never just what he was.
by Sean Cutshall
Maturity is not automatic, and neither is fatherhood. As a child, I was raised by a man I knew as "dad", despite a lack of true genetic disposition. Marrying my mother, and calling me son, was all I thought was required as prerequisits on the fatherhood application. But, I also thought grape juice was actually called "more", until the age of five or six, so understanding fully the role that this man had taken on early in my life was relatively short in true experience.
This "dad" raised me, loved me, believed in me, and, while, I never knew it at the time, he was providing me with a core set of ideas regarding fatherhood that I see coming out today. This man, my dad, later in life committed suicide, but I believe strongly in the idea, that is what he did, not who he was. To me, and my brothers, he was not a man struggling with his love for us, or willingness to do anything for us; nor, was he man, who secretly dealt with issues inside totally unrelated to his love for us. He was Dad. Fatherhood was not what he did, but who he was. Today, I remember him. With love and appreciation, I cherish him. With a cradling arm to my younger brother, and a outstretched hand to my older brother, we celebrate him. These tears of memory are necessary and reasonable, as they solidify and extend the legacy of fatherhood that started many years ago, and, today, begins to breathe and live on in my new purpose.
I learned that fatherhood is who you are, not what you are, a long time ago. This will remain with me, as I build upon this legacy with my first and beautiful daughter. It, also, is a reminder to me to be open, and welcoming, to another father in my life. While this man, was not the one who raised me early on, he is a man God chose to be my biological father, and, a man, I know can and will have a dramatic impact on my life in the future and on the legacy I believe I will one day leave behind. If fatherhood is truly who you are, not what you are, then it is a role that can encompass many years, or lifetimes, and one able to include more than just one person or experience.
Holding my daughter today gives me a sense of belonging, and purpose I've never felt before. It takes all the lessons and inspiration from my childhood, my dad, my brothers; and, it brings them into a tunnel vision of perspective. I am a great "daddy" because of the dad I had, because of the dad he still is to me and my brothers, and because of who he was, who he is, and never just what he was.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Better late than never
Better late than never
By Sean Cutshall
Research shows that fatherhood becomes more risky the older a male, especially once he nears the age of 40. Despite all the research that indicates a male does have a genetically healthier sperm under the age of 40, most tests conclude all this goes out the window once the baby arrives, and is healthy.
I won't allow you the satisfaction of knowing my exact age, but I will say I paid particularly close attention to this study. While I'm not in my 40's, neither am I in the early stages of mature adulthood, otherwise known as the 20's. Also, I was even more satisfied to open the window to this study, as my daughter came into this world healthy. I am blessed with a child, who only at the age of five-months, does not have any signs of autism, schizophrenia, dwarfism or abnormalities. While I call this a blessing, I feel my daughter would have been a blessing no matter the package she was delivered to me. She is heart-warming, everyday reminder of the beautiful ever-present power of God, and His personal way of saying my life still, and always has, been as important part of a greater purpose for me and those around me.
Honestly, I can't help but think of how my age may one day affect the way I raise my daughter, but I refuse to look at it as a negative. Being a father is something I've always wanted since early on in my life, even as I finished high school. I knew fatherhood would be a gift. Who knows why it never happened for me early on in my life, but I submerge myself in all the positive things about being a father at this later stage in my life.
I believe, at my age, I can participate more in the day to day raising of my daughter. I see myself more patient, more mature and able to nurture better at this age, rather than a earlier time in my life. With me personally, I have had to experience some things in my life, and it has defined me as a person. Ultimately, I believe it will be this strength, independence, sensitivity for people and their struggles, and gratefulness for the here and now that I want to instill in my daughter.
A University of California, San Diego, study suggest that parents today are more involved on a daily basis in the raising of their children, but that the natural-developmental approach is not as common. For me, my experiences has helped to appreciate both these thoughts. I am a father, and I will be involved, help her to avoid some of the potholes I fell in, but I will also try to father by encouraging her to step out and being an individual, capable of being warm and aware of the simplistic beauty in the ever-changing moments of our lives. I believe that this awareness can be just as beneficial to the outcome of her life as all the planning and preparation some might suggest as being the most important part of child raising.
No longer young, and starting fatherhood later than the average American male, I look forward to being this new role in my life. And, while some may argue it's strength, I refuse to give any power to the opposite. My daughter will be strong because I've had more to years to overcome. My daughter will be an influential person in her world because I have finally, after many years of banging my head on the street, become teachable to these years of experiences. My daughter will be grateful for the real evidence of life and beauty around her because, after so many years of seeing both good and evil, I have a real appreciation for those things that inspire. Like no other time in my life, I can look outside myself and see the beauty in me. And, it's this beauty, appreciation and gratefulness that will enable me to be greatest daddy possible for my baby girl.
By Sean Cutshall
Research shows that fatherhood becomes more risky the older a male, especially once he nears the age of 40. Despite all the research that indicates a male does have a genetically healthier sperm under the age of 40, most tests conclude all this goes out the window once the baby arrives, and is healthy.
I won't allow you the satisfaction of knowing my exact age, but I will say I paid particularly close attention to this study. While I'm not in my 40's, neither am I in the early stages of mature adulthood, otherwise known as the 20's. Also, I was even more satisfied to open the window to this study, as my daughter came into this world healthy. I am blessed with a child, who only at the age of five-months, does not have any signs of autism, schizophrenia, dwarfism or abnormalities. While I call this a blessing, I feel my daughter would have been a blessing no matter the package she was delivered to me. She is heart-warming, everyday reminder of the beautiful ever-present power of God, and His personal way of saying my life still, and always has, been as important part of a greater purpose for me and those around me.
Honestly, I can't help but think of how my age may one day affect the way I raise my daughter, but I refuse to look at it as a negative. Being a father is something I've always wanted since early on in my life, even as I finished high school. I knew fatherhood would be a gift. Who knows why it never happened for me early on in my life, but I submerge myself in all the positive things about being a father at this later stage in my life.
I believe, at my age, I can participate more in the day to day raising of my daughter. I see myself more patient, more mature and able to nurture better at this age, rather than a earlier time in my life. With me personally, I have had to experience some things in my life, and it has defined me as a person. Ultimately, I believe it will be this strength, independence, sensitivity for people and their struggles, and gratefulness for the here and now that I want to instill in my daughter.
A University of California, San Diego, study suggest that parents today are more involved on a daily basis in the raising of their children, but that the natural-developmental approach is not as common. For me, my experiences has helped to appreciate both these thoughts. I am a father, and I will be involved, help her to avoid some of the potholes I fell in, but I will also try to father by encouraging her to step out and being an individual, capable of being warm and aware of the simplistic beauty in the ever-changing moments of our lives. I believe that this awareness can be just as beneficial to the outcome of her life as all the planning and preparation some might suggest as being the most important part of child raising.
No longer young, and starting fatherhood later than the average American male, I look forward to being this new role in my life. And, while some may argue it's strength, I refuse to give any power to the opposite. My daughter will be strong because I've had more to years to overcome. My daughter will be an influential person in her world because I have finally, after many years of banging my head on the street, become teachable to these years of experiences. My daughter will be grateful for the real evidence of life and beauty around her because, after so many years of seeing both good and evil, I have a real appreciation for those things that inspire. Like no other time in my life, I can look outside myself and see the beauty in me. And, it's this beauty, appreciation and gratefulness that will enable me to be greatest daddy possible for my baby girl.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Lend Me Your Smile
Lend Me Your Smile
By Sean Cutshall
My daughter has a way of smiling, and erasing every negative thought I was so intent on focusing. It's her smile, I welcome into my life with open arms. I realize God has placed me in her life as a father, teacher, protector and provider, but there are moments in our classroom that she stands and I sit to learn.
My life is full of obstacles these days, some brought on by my stupidity; and, it's these obstacles, I some times feel overwhelmed and under-prepared to handle. It only takes a second with Keeley Rose, my daughter, to understand every obstacle can be overcome. And, if by chance, the obstacle is too big, it only takes a step or two sideways to eliminate the obstacle, and set a new direction. Yes, I know, it sounds simple, and yet, unrealistic. But, is it? Am I, as an adult, suppossed to make things so complex, I spend a lifetime trying to figure out the right answers, and never feeling completely sure I ever started with the right question or problem.
When my 6-month old daughter is hungry, she cries. When she lifts her head, and subsquently, hits my head in the process, she cries. When she has been out of view of what she wants, which is ususally her mother, and "mommy" returns, she smiles. When she is tired of being in the same place, she uses her hands, legs and buttocks to move. When she sees Nanny, Nanna or Grandpa, she smiles. When she is scared, she warrants the comfort of protection from those of us responsible to love her. Her life is about needs, and getting those needs met in the most simplest and basic ways. And, if her needs, cannot or will not be met, she simply understands, and her focus becomes elsewhere. I believe I learn from her, and if I remain open to the lessons of fatherhood, there is a bright future for us both.
I know there will be days where I stand in front teaching her, and I hope that I am able to draw on my experiences to give her strength and direction, but right now, I feel I am the one learning and being taught. I draw from her strength, her passion, her simplistic approach to life. Today, as I face the obstacles in my life, my daughter is teaching me simple rules of life. She is showing me that obstacles have a simple solution, or have no solution at all, and maybe, it's just better to focus on something else. Today, I'm sitting down, taking notes and learning from the greatest teacher I've ever had, my daughter.
By Sean Cutshall
My daughter has a way of smiling, and erasing every negative thought I was so intent on focusing. It's her smile, I welcome into my life with open arms. I realize God has placed me in her life as a father, teacher, protector and provider, but there are moments in our classroom that she stands and I sit to learn.
My life is full of obstacles these days, some brought on by my stupidity; and, it's these obstacles, I some times feel overwhelmed and under-prepared to handle. It only takes a second with Keeley Rose, my daughter, to understand every obstacle can be overcome. And, if by chance, the obstacle is too big, it only takes a step or two sideways to eliminate the obstacle, and set a new direction. Yes, I know, it sounds simple, and yet, unrealistic. But, is it? Am I, as an adult, suppossed to make things so complex, I spend a lifetime trying to figure out the right answers, and never feeling completely sure I ever started with the right question or problem.
When my 6-month old daughter is hungry, she cries. When she lifts her head, and subsquently, hits my head in the process, she cries. When she has been out of view of what she wants, which is ususally her mother, and "mommy" returns, she smiles. When she is tired of being in the same place, she uses her hands, legs and buttocks to move. When she sees Nanny, Nanna or Grandpa, she smiles. When she is scared, she warrants the comfort of protection from those of us responsible to love her. Her life is about needs, and getting those needs met in the most simplest and basic ways. And, if her needs, cannot or will not be met, she simply understands, and her focus becomes elsewhere. I believe I learn from her, and if I remain open to the lessons of fatherhood, there is a bright future for us both.
I know there will be days where I stand in front teaching her, and I hope that I am able to draw on my experiences to give her strength and direction, but right now, I feel I am the one learning and being taught. I draw from her strength, her passion, her simplistic approach to life. Today, as I face the obstacles in my life, my daughter is teaching me simple rules of life. She is showing me that obstacles have a simple solution, or have no solution at all, and maybe, it's just better to focus on something else. Today, I'm sitting down, taking notes and learning from the greatest teacher I've ever had, my daughter.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Everything I'm Not
Everything I'm Not
by Sean Cutshall
My actions have not allowed me to be a perfect example for anything or anyone, and my words, over the generation of me, has been losing its' power and influence. In this event, my expectations of fatherhood have been crippled by a track record dented in failure. But through my beautiful daughter's presence, and everything she will one day stand for, my words and existence gain power and influence with every passing day.
I believe there is a voice inside me, and, while it has been dulled by certain actions and events of my life, it is growing strong. I have a daughter, and I am a father. Nothing ever was so clear to me, and the opportunities and possibilities are endless. I can exist, without a label from my past. I can teach, without having the tools of first hand, successful knowledge. I can guard, protect and never second guess the angels that are on my side. Believe it or not, I can love in ways I've never shown my own self. My daughter, you are perfect. I am your father, and, now, I am perfect. Everything that has happened in my life has new meaning, and reason for its' existence.
I've been confined in a prison, tagged an addict, legally expected to be a "felon", and labeled A.D.H.D. by anyone within an arms length of my fidgeting legs, but I am a father today. I have been given a specific position, as Keeley's father, no other candidate dared even apply. With all that is inside me, I wish for my daughter to hear my words, and listen to the voice that is coming from deep inside me. This voice is growing, and it's a language my daughter will hear. I will be strong, and will give her everything I am. And, in return, I know she will become everything I am not.
by Sean Cutshall
My actions have not allowed me to be a perfect example for anything or anyone, and my words, over the generation of me, has been losing its' power and influence. In this event, my expectations of fatherhood have been crippled by a track record dented in failure. But through my beautiful daughter's presence, and everything she will one day stand for, my words and existence gain power and influence with every passing day.
I believe there is a voice inside me, and, while it has been dulled by certain actions and events of my life, it is growing strong. I have a daughter, and I am a father. Nothing ever was so clear to me, and the opportunities and possibilities are endless. I can exist, without a label from my past. I can teach, without having the tools of first hand, successful knowledge. I can guard, protect and never second guess the angels that are on my side. Believe it or not, I can love in ways I've never shown my own self. My daughter, you are perfect. I am your father, and, now, I am perfect. Everything that has happened in my life has new meaning, and reason for its' existence.
I've been confined in a prison, tagged an addict, legally expected to be a "felon", and labeled A.D.H.D. by anyone within an arms length of my fidgeting legs, but I am a father today. I have been given a specific position, as Keeley's father, no other candidate dared even apply. With all that is inside me, I wish for my daughter to hear my words, and listen to the voice that is coming from deep inside me. This voice is growing, and it's a language my daughter will hear. I will be strong, and will give her everything I am. And, in return, I know she will become everything I am not.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Fatherhood: Making The Grade
I never thought fatherhood would be a piece of cake, and if I was going to rate the experience just five months into my life's new assignment, I would only say I've yet to finish reading the syllabus.
Forget orientation and manuals, my five-month old daughter has ignited, in me, a passion for learning and teaching that I've never experienced. I often considered my own life as a road with a series of potholes, created by many different reasons. These potholes develop from consequences of past decisions or events, and give no warning to their existence. Being a father has given me a real understanding of the importance of each and every event that happens in our lives. Whether it is the one traumatic experience we never could forget, or the evolution of a series of decisions that one day defines us as humans, they all are valuable to the person we become.
As a father, I am seeing my life's road, and I'm making plans to fill some of these potholes. I will one day want my daughter to exist on a road with less potholes than me, and whether or not I am able to learn enough when it becomes time to teach her, is a question I will pose and try to answer daily.
My life, up until now, has lacked a real clear destination or potential for powerful legacy. I feel empowered to stretch my imagination to where I can now go and perform. I feel growth daily, and it's through the birth and aging of my 5-month old daughter, that I can expand my limbs and grow into the person I never knew I wanted to be, and the father I was always destined to be. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Forget orientation and manuals, my five-month old daughter has ignited, in me, a passion for learning and teaching that I've never experienced. I often considered my own life as a road with a series of potholes, created by many different reasons. These potholes develop from consequences of past decisions or events, and give no warning to their existence. Being a father has given me a real understanding of the importance of each and every event that happens in our lives. Whether it is the one traumatic experience we never could forget, or the evolution of a series of decisions that one day defines us as humans, they all are valuable to the person we become.
As a father, I am seeing my life's road, and I'm making plans to fill some of these potholes. I will one day want my daughter to exist on a road with less potholes than me, and whether or not I am able to learn enough when it becomes time to teach her, is a question I will pose and try to answer daily.
My life, up until now, has lacked a real clear destination or potential for powerful legacy. I feel empowered to stretch my imagination to where I can now go and perform. I feel growth daily, and it's through the birth and aging of my 5-month old daughter, that I can expand my limbs and grow into the person I never knew I wanted to be, and the father I was always destined to be. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Instant Gratification
Friday, April 9, 2010
Instant Gratification
by Sean Cutshall
As a man known for the posession of instant gratification toys, tools and theories, something new in my life has given me a whole new meaning to the words.
I'm somewhat of an expert in the field of instant gratification, having used drugs, relationship and even traumatic experiences or crisis to feel instantaneaously better or worse. For whatever reason, I have become accustomed to high degrees of change in my life. The gratification and satisfaction aspect came from the change, not necessarily the joy or comfort in the new surroundings or present feeling.
Holding my daughter, and watching her interact with her mother, others or even the light coming from the other room, makes for a gratification that is all about the here and now. Keeley represents the here and now, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to find any comfort or joy from leaving or changing this moment, or the next moment. I'm learning, right now, to accept the pure, overwhelming gift of forgiveness she represents in my life. And, it is a forgiveness that comes from no effort or consequence of mine. Her presence, alone, gives a meaning, weight and importance to my life that no future action, accomplishment or behavior could have ever given. She is re-emergence to life and my pathway to a destiny that is me. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Instant Gratification
by Sean Cutshall
As a man known for the posession of instant gratification toys, tools and theories, something new in my life has given me a whole new meaning to the words.
I'm somewhat of an expert in the field of instant gratification, having used drugs, relationship and even traumatic experiences or crisis to feel instantaneaously better or worse. For whatever reason, I have become accustomed to high degrees of change in my life. The gratification and satisfaction aspect came from the change, not necessarily the joy or comfort in the new surroundings or present feeling.
Holding my daughter, and watching her interact with her mother, others or even the light coming from the other room, makes for a gratification that is all about the here and now. Keeley represents the here and now, and for the first time in my life, I'm not going to find any comfort or joy from leaving or changing this moment, or the next moment. I'm learning, right now, to accept the pure, overwhelming gift of forgiveness she represents in my life. And, it is a forgiveness that comes from no effort or consequence of mine. Her presence, alone, gives a meaning, weight and importance to my life that no future action, accomplishment or behavior could have ever given. She is re-emergence to life and my pathway to a destiny that is me. I am Sean, and I am Destiny Daddy.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My Daughter, My Reprieve
As long as I draw breath, I will never forget October 22, 2009, nor will every single day that follows be easily forgotten. I am a felon, college graduate, former newspaper reporter, a recovering and one-day cured addict and most importantly, now a father. I choose to be none of those things anymore. I choose to be Sean, a man, who my five-month old daugter will one day soon pronounce as "daddy.
Even to this day, I can't explain the reasons why my life seemed to jump from promising future to chaos and confinement, but the misfiring or lack of real connection to personal understanding opened up the day my daughter was born, and I realize my future holds a new set of expectations and possibilities. It no longer is so important to connect the dots of my life in a systematic way for people to understand anymore, it only matters that my daughter and family don't see me as these scrambled dots, but as a father.
I'm undressing from these labels, obstacles, limitations and putting on a new outlook. Yes, I have done things I regret, been confined in places I wish to never return, broken the hearts of family and friends I could never repair, but I've been given a reprieve. It came in a small little package, that I'm thankful I was never allowed to open till five months ago. My reprieve come with some specific instructions. The fine print said only this, in the future you must do things you can't wait to admit, be confined to places and people you could never do without and love those family and fiends who never let go.
That small, little package is my daughter, my reprieve.
Even to this day, I can't explain the reasons why my life seemed to jump from promising future to chaos and confinement, but the misfiring or lack of real connection to personal understanding opened up the day my daughter was born, and I realize my future holds a new set of expectations and possibilities. It no longer is so important to connect the dots of my life in a systematic way for people to understand anymore, it only matters that my daughter and family don't see me as these scrambled dots, but as a father.
I'm undressing from these labels, obstacles, limitations and putting on a new outlook. Yes, I have done things I regret, been confined in places I wish to never return, broken the hearts of family and friends I could never repair, but I've been given a reprieve. It came in a small little package, that I'm thankful I was never allowed to open till five months ago. My reprieve come with some specific instructions. The fine print said only this, in the future you must do things you can't wait to admit, be confined to places and people you could never do without and love those family and fiends who never let go.
That small, little package is my daughter, my reprieve.
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